Great Darktonian Pie War
Peanut Butter Jelly Time, officially designated "The Final Showdown" by the High Penguins, is a last ditch attempt, with every good creature in Antarctica plus the Str00del Force and Jerks facing off against Darktan and his minions. It was a long war, because King Triskelle, their Navy, and every High Penguin except Luce fled to their homeland of Arda. Luce claims that this is the fabled "Dagor Dagorath" (the Battle of Battles). The event Prologue PBJT Valley didn't always bear this name. In fact, it never had one to begin with. That all changed in "The Battle of Battles". PBJT Valley is a foggy, freezing cold, Valley Forge-esque land full of hills and trees. Lots of trees. A Rundown in High Penguin Battle Customs HPs have extreme rituals and proceedures for traditional battles (not like ones in the past). They start with a coin toss, and the winner chooses two weapons that everyone would get. This is administrated by a football-style referee. If a person is toppled by any weapon, and can not get up in ten seconds they are teleported to a stone structure and suspended in Ditto A until the war ends. This is administerd by an old-fashioned boxing referee. Everytime someone is knocked out, a loud cathedral bell is rung. Usually, that thing rings every second. The spirits have had to replace it several times per battle. All "officials" (referees, ect.) are High Penguin spirits. Dagor Dagorath! (the Battle of Battles) It was a gray, overcast day. Darktan and his minions were marching from their realm, about to seize and expand their empire. Continental conquest was their goal. They knew the Antarctic citizens lacked any hope. However, the creatures of Antarctica refused to quit, whether the High Penguins did or not. Even the Dorkugese had left their homeland to stop the menace. Everyone who was anyone came to see this done. Darktan even agreed to start the "games" in ancient High Penguin custom. So it was done. Professor Shroomsky, wearing the Silmaril Crown that he sued off Triskelle, and Darktan, the Ultimate Evil, faced each other at a stone cylinder. Shroomsky, as we know, is a stickler for formality. He did the prescribed rituals to the letter. They faced each other. "See that crown, fungus? It's mine. ALL MINE." Shroomsky glared at the fearsome menace, but refused to back down. A High Penguin ghost, dressed in vertical black-and-white stripes, floated down to where Shroomsky and Darktan stood. The opposing armies stood on the banks of the Valley. They were both told not to attack until the ceremony was done. "Penghis Khan is ready to kick tail feather. When can he unleash his Imperial PWNage?" Luce glared. "Hush, This is tradition." Luce held a Scroll reading "Rules and Regularities of a traditional duel". "Oh. Penghis Khan scoffs at your formality." Luce cleared her throat. Down at the table, the two characters just stared. The ghost came out with a solid gold coin that glimmered even at night, almost as if infused with the Amulet of Light itself. One one side, a big smiling picture of Professor Shroomsky. On the other side, Darktan. "It will now begin. This is not to be a petty snowball fight. He whose face falls flat on the dubloon has the advantage in choosing their arsenal." They commenced a coin toss right there. The currency landed on Shroomsky! "Luck is with you today, Fungus. Your two weapons of choice?" Shroomsky looked at the sapphire box the High Penguin provided him. There were maces of all shapes and sizes, a golf club, a frying pan, some pie, dirt, fax machines, and a piece of paper with an interrobang on it (‽'''). "I'll take the pie." The villains cheered. "...and the interrobang." Silence. Thus, the High Penguin ghost took out the pie and cloned it. Everyone received lots of pie. Several people had to tell others, "DON'T EAT THE AMMO!". The ghost pulled up the Interrobang. "No creature is to be killed. None at all." Both teams cheered. "The board is set. Now the peices must move." The ghost turned to Shroomsky. He eyed the Crown. "What be ye, wearing an important artifact? Where is the Triskelle, Son of Arvedui?" "I sued for the Crown... and Triskelle surrendered and ran to his homeland..." "Grace and luck be on your side, Fungus." He clapped his flippers together. "May the leaders arise, and meet at the banks." They did. The ghost started the countdown in Ancient Penguinian. "Tre! To! En! ''Deilige søte bliss som gjør deg feit!!" A buzzer sounded. The Battle of All Battles had started. Penguins picked up their pies. Villains picked up their pies and ate Doom Weeds for extra strength (cheaters). With a great, thundering roar, everyone picked up their pies and "natural talents"! This way and that! Pies flew everywhere! Shroomsky got smacked with boisonberry! Turtleheimer was spun around by apple! Then, Darktan threw a pie at Penghis Khan. WHACK! It was key lime. Penghis Khan hated key lime. Darktan shouldn't have done it. Khan yelled over the crowd, as pies flew everywhere. He took his Imperial Mullet and dragged it passed the front lines and deep into enemy territory. No one saw him. They were flinging magic, throwing pies, or (in the case of Explorer) flinging daggers. Khan took his Mullet. He walked straight to a big villain. It was Herbert Horror. He was standing, firing scalding beams of fire at any poor person within yards. Penghis Khan took aim and swung his fish. '''''WHACK!! Herbert Horror fell like a snowman in a summer greenhouse. A ghost appeared in a white shirt, black suspenders and red bowtie. He started slapping the ground, screaming in Ancient Penguinian. "Ti, ni, åtte, sju, seks, fem, fire, tre, to, en! Banke ut!" A mighty cathedral bell sounded. Herbert Horror vanished in a cloud of smoke, reappearing in a stone masonry structure, with the words "Taperne" engraved upon it. He was then frozen solid in Ditto, so he wouldn't attack other losers in the seats. Darktan raised a mighty flipper. He was just toying before. Since his right-hand-man just fell to Khan ("banke ut" is "knockout" in Penguinian), he immediantly knew this fight was not going to be easy. He conjured up a massive pie and hurled it at Penghis Khan. It was bigger than five of him! "Ti, ni, åtte, sju, seks, fem, fire, tre, to, en! Banke ut!" The bell sounded again. Penghis Khan was squashed like a bug. Luce turned to the audience. "Wonderful, eh? Our most valliaiant cannon fodder warrior has fell." WHACK! Four Khanz Penguins, down, felled by one blast from WitchyPenguin! Four countdowns and four bells. Luce picked up a pie and screamed some chant. She flung it and it hit a random minion, who subsequently hit seventeen others. Eighteen countdowns, Eighteen bells. Then, Austin8310 finally got to the battle. He took a picture of Darktan. Darktan screamed "THE LIGHT! STOP THE LIGHT!" As Austin8310 shot light rays everywhere, creating 5 countdowns and bells, Darktan was angry. Austin8310 was swarmed by evil STINK soldiers throwing pies. He did one last camera shot... And then, another countdown and another bell. So far, the Good Guys were winning. That was going to change. Darktan turned to the "Losers" area, and saw the villains. "SEND IN ROBO-GARY!" Robo-Gary turned on and walked onto the Valley. His flippers were like machine guns, rapidly firing pies at everyone. That took down most of the Dorkugese, all of the Emoticons, even Explorer, and Fred! Happyface, however, came prepared. He held "The Really Shiny Hand Grenade With A RollBack Function That Looks Like A Globius Cruciger But Isn't"! He tossed the glittering heirloom straight at Darktan, but he quickly put up a forcefield and dodged it. It flew up and landed on Robo-Gary. A Hallehlujah chorus, static, and a countdown later, and Robo-Gary exploded. The blast took out a twenty-fifth of Darktan's army. Bells rang like mad. Unfortunately, the Antic Grenade also took out Barkjon and himself. "Hold it!!!" Explorer text messaged to the narrator from inside his tank. "Doesn't the grenade have a rollback function?" That it did. Explorer and Fred reappered on the battlefield. At the same moment, the tanks holding Happyface and Barkjon shattered, and the two came out fullt armed and ready to fight. The released Ditto Vapor stunned about 16 other baddies (mostly STINC soldiers). "EAT OUR DITTO SPRAY YOU STUPID STINC GOONS!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yet, they were STILL out numbered! Bad guys abound! Pies kept on flying. Creatures fell. Bells rang, and it wore on. Judge Xavier waddled up on the front lines and threw his prized Gavel. It clobbered Witchy Penguin, but she got up before the ten seconds were up. However, her broomstick wasn't as lucky. Witchy Penguin was now vulnerable. Darktan became angrier. He used telekinises and picked up Manny Peng. He lifted the Mwa Mwa Penguin high above him. It was screaming like a manicac. "I ONWY THWEE! I ONWY THWEE!" The faster he spun Manny, the more it screamed. Then, he hurled it. Manny spun like a football, clobbering hundreds and hundres of epgnuins, as the spinning freak was also guided by Darktan's mighty abilities. Shroomsky just lost half the army thanks to Manny Peng. He had to pull back his army before they were toast. The pies kept flying as well. ---- Shroomsky turned to Luce. "What are we going to do now? Is there any sort of answer?" "A bundle of twigs is stronger than only one." Shroomsky had no idea what this meant. Luce seemed to be hiding something. Darktan, meanwhile, turned to his minions. "Okay. We're winning. Conquest should be easy. Yet, before I do, let me tell you something. I went on a new world called "YouTube to obtain minions. I also wrote about me recruiting "Marx" there. I did get two characters, though I don't really know what to do with them. Each one was named Marx." Darktan whistled, and the aforementioned "Marx" characters appeared. "This," Darktan commented, "is [[Wikipedia:Groucho Marx|Groucho Marx]]. He's a comedian. He won't fight, but he is world reknowned in comedy, along with his relatives. I guess he will cheer you up." Groucho Marx waved to Darktan and smiled. "...and this is Marx Marx. He's from some place called "Kirby World", and shoots ice." Marx Marx nodded and shot ice. "...and this is [[Wikipedia:Carl Marx|Carl Marx]], credited as the founder of Socialism. I presume he will... um, just say something fancy!" Carl Marx nodded and quoted himself: "Let the ruling classes tremble at a Communistic revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Working men of the world, unite!" WitchyPenguin turned to Darktan. "What did he just say?!" "I don't know." "But every class struggle is a political struggle." Marx continued. "I don't get it. Aren't you the 'ruling class'?" "You're right. You think I should put him back?" "Then begins an epoch of social revolution." Marx continued. "Okay, Carl. That's enough fancy talk." "I WILL NOT BE SILENCED UNDER YOUR CAPITALIST CHAINS!" "What?" a random villain asked. "I think he hates money." "Is that to say we are against Free Trade?" Carl Marx continued. "He's annoying." Witchy Penguin continued as well. ---- While Darktan and Carl Marx argued with each other, Professor Shoomsky and the army talked to one another. Professor Shroomsky felt very guilty. "I think I made a big mistake suing Triskelle. Luce, I'm sorry if I just killed Antarctica's chances of winning." "I have high penguin intuition. I forsee great cheer in the near future." Professor Shroomsky frowned. "Are you positive I didn't ruin it?" "No, Hounourable Fungus. Twas only a meer overreaction. Seizing the opportunity to to fight Darktan was very valliant." "I still feel guilty." "As a former narrator, with my intuition, I can assure you that victory is nigh." Shroomsky smiled. ---- The two armies retired to their camps at sunset. Most of the night was spent treating injuries and making battle plans. None of them expected what would happen in the morning. At dawn, Professor Shroomsky's army awoke to an unusually warm atmosphere (it was about 20 degrees Fahrenheit). In contrast, Darktan's lines saw an immense amount of fog and temperatures of -80 degrees Fahrenheit. The battle resumed at 9:30 AM. Everything went pretty much the same as what had happened yesterday, with the exception of the fog around Darktan's army, which was reducing their visibility to a 1.25 foot radius. At about 10:15, a loud crash of thunder was heard coming from Darktan's lines. Explorer, who had the privilege of flight, soared up above the battlefield to see what was going on. A large line of dark, gray clouds was approaching the field. As Explorer watched, a bolt of lightning zapped through three clouds and struck one of the taller STINC soldiers. Then it began to snow. Without warning, a gale-force wind stirred up, blowing the snow everywhere and further reducing visibility. The reading on one of Explorer's pocket thermomters fell rapidly, as did the reading on his handheld barometer. Just then, a small icy hailstone bonked Explorer's hat, Tittle, on the rotor. Explorer didn't even see it coming because the curtain of snow was so thick. Through the blinding waves of white that surrounded him, Explorer was able to barely make out the outline of a city skyline on top of one of the clouds. Explorer then realized what was happening. "Aw, come on!" he yelled above the roar of the wind. "I should have known this was going to happen; I read the script two weeks ago! It's Mayor McFlapp's doing, isn't it?" he asked the narrator. There was no reply. "Ah well, I'll just have to find out for myself!" With that, Explorer, despite the blizzard and showering hail, shot off towards the looming cummulonimbus cloud with the strange flickering lights. ---- Darktan shot a beam of auras straight into the oncoming clouds. It penetrated straight through the storm, cutting clean through a third of the squall line. Visibility was slightly restored; the army of Evil advanced. Suddenly, an air horn peirced through the valley. A lone Bean Human walked up the banks, facing the battle. "Hi, Billy Mays here, demonstrating the power of Oxypie." The creature held up a purple colored pie. "It has the stickiness to cure even the toughest in evil stains." He tossed the pie. It clobbered an STINC minion, who was out for the count. Billy Mays continued. He took a pie from a Dorkugese penguin nearby. "See how Oxypie topples an STINC infantrymen in comparison to the leading brand of weaponry!" He threw the pies at two STINC minions. The Oxypie flew faster and hit harder. "The secret is the special fluids baked into the pastry! Watch how they connect and stick to the enemy's feathers like glue!" Mays hurled the pie at Manny Peng. The Mwa Mwa Penguin fell and the momentum sent him back ten feet, knocking two STINC soldiers with it. Three bells and countdowns. "Now that's the power of Oxypie!" ---- Up in Ternville, Explorer and Mayor McFlapp were in the Narrator's Office laughing over hillarity of their newfound spoof of Billy Mays and OxyClean. "ROTFL...... seriously, Mayor, did you really come up with that all by yourself?" Explorer asked as he chortled uncontrollably. "I mean, Oxypie???? BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!" As Explorer burst out laughing all over the carpet, Mayor McFlapp continued typing at his Narration Organ. ---- "This Oxypie the human speaks of seems to be more powerful than I thought," said Darktan to his minions. "We must stop this at once." Metal Explorer snickered as a evil grin came over his face. "I can take care of that, oh wise and great Darktan." The robot took off using his mini jet pack feet and flew into the battle. In his flipper he held a rather large pie. The penguins below saw it, and some even screamed. "This should take care of these pesky penguins." The robot let the pie go sending it to the ground. It hit 20 penguins, covering them in a strange substance. It was light green with a little dark purple in it. No one knew what it was. When the penguins tried to get up, though, the sticky liquid held them to the ground. It felt like oil and was almost as sticky as Oxypie. "MOMMY!" yelled a Khanz Penguin. "Save us!" cried a Dorkugese Penguin. Everyone who wasn't busy fighting was worried. Billy Mays, however, just smiled. He then pulled out yet another strange contraption. Professor Shroomsky and Luce looked curious. "What is that crazy advertiser doing now?" they asked the others. Billy Mays then walked up to where the large pie had landed. "Stuck to the ground by a sticky pie? Then you need the special cleaning power of Kaboom!" He held what appeared to be a container of cleaning supplies. He then sprayed some on the pie that had landed on the penguins and it suprisingly disolved away. "See how Kaboom cleans up Pie stains compared to the leading brands! When you're on the battlefield, you want the strength of this cleaner! Billy Mays Guaranteed." The warriors then cheered and clapped. Metal Explorer, however, was furious. "Impossible! How dare you question the Power of Lord Darktan's pies! You will be sorry!" Just then, Blizzard threw a pie up at the crazy robot. This flung him back to Darktan's castle as fast as a snail tied to a rocket. "Mayday! Mayday! Fire the pies!" The battle continued as more pies were flung, and more penguins were being freed by Billy May's new weapon, Kaboom. The Beastector then sent in larger, stickier pies. Billy Mays continued, holding the Kaboom. "The secret is the iodizing bonds! Kaboom has a special chemical formula that can remove any stain, from grape juice to pie, guaranteed!" He sprayed free the others. Darktan, now enraged, conjured up a pie the size of sixteen Herbert Horrors. He flung it, and it smashed over three-quarters of the army of Justice! A High Penguin spirit was counting down from ten. Billy Mays laughed and called in a tractor trailer that was hauling a full load of Kaboom. "IT HAS THE STRENGTH TO WIPE AWAY THIS FULLY LOADED, MULTI-SURFACE PIE THE SIZE OF A HOUSE IN MERE SECONDS!" The tractor trailer dumped its load of Kaboom. It washed over PBJT Valley, and wiped everyone free! Darktan's new pie was useless! He immediantly reverted to the old pie that knocked people over. Oxypies and cream pies continued to fly everywhere. Explorer continued to laugh at the advertising puns while Mayor McFlapp continued to type. ---- Darktan growled more and more. His army appeared to be loosing thanks to Billy Mays and his new weapons. An Abyss Knight approached him. "Oh wise and noble Darktan, our armies are getting what I like to call creamed. We need to bring out more troops." Darktan turned and walked over to the knight. "It appears it is time to bring out one of our last lines of defense. Release the Magma Puffle." A Doom Knight saluted Darktan and pulled a large metal lever. ---- The side of justice was winning. With Billy Mays' products, and the power of Mayor McFlapp's trump card, nothing could stop them now. But happiness would soon change to fear. Just then, a cage opened, releasing a huge twenty-meter-high beast that appeared to be completely made of Magma. He roared like a pack of hungry Leopard Seals, and then spoke in a extremely deep voice. "ROOOOOOAAAR! Magma Puffle attack penguins and defend Lord Darktan's castle!" Penguins everywhere screamed and ran in different directions. Professor Shroomsky was frozen with fright. He stood still and looked like a Puffle about to be caught by a Skua. "Wha, wha, wha..... what is th-that thing?!?!?!" Luce gently patted him on the back. "The strange human creature has the situation under control. For the time at hand, at least." But poor Luce was wrong, for Billy Mays was running around like the other warriors were. Apparently he had no type of weaponry to stop this enormous creature. "If only you were right, Luce. I don't think even one of his cleaning products can save us now though. We'll just have to hope the Fourth Goozack will save us... if not, then I have an idea." Luce looked at him sharply. "What in the name of Ard Mhaca is that?" Professor Shroomsky took one glance at the Magma Puffle and shrieked, "RUN!!!!!!!" ---- "It appears that the Magma Puffle is working most effectively," said Darktan as he smirked. "Even that ridiculous advertiser dosen't have anything to fight it with." Then a pie covered Metal Explorer approached Darktan. "Ah, being such a evil penguin is hard work, isn't it, my robotic minion?" said Darktan as he patted the robot on the head. Rolling his eyes, Metal Explorer huffed. "You've got it easy." ---- Up in his office, Mayor McFlapp was getting ready his sophisticated retaliation. "Tell the head chef that I can't wait for long," he barked into the speaker-phone beside his Organ. "Signal the Air Force to launch, and bring me my jolly ol' silver whistle, eh? Thanks, Becky! You're the best secretary a Mayor ever had, wot! Bye-bye now!" As Explorer watched, the Narrator picked up a small walkie-talkie and spoke into it. "Rally the citizens," he said. "Now." TO BE CONTINUED!!! Result The article is not finished, but I'll go ahead and tell you this: 1. No one died. 2. Happy Ending. 3. They fought with Pies. See also * Luce * Silmaril * Professor Shroomsky * Turtleheimer * King Triskelle * Darktan * Str00del Force * The Other Participants Category:Stories